Culinary Calamities
By Chef Geoff
No matter how skillful or experienced a cook, everyone has experienced a gastronomic guffaw, a culinary calamity or a dinner downfall. These events can be a simple as burning the bagels, or as complex as shriveled soufflés, but they all have a number of things, besides being left hungry, in common. In my experience, there are three principle causes of these potentially embarrassing episodes.
Recipe misinformation: Sometimes, the disaster really isn't your fault. All the kitchen gear operates properly, you have carefully followed the recipe, you're familiar with the techniques and nevertheless, the end product simply is inedible because the recipe contained errors. This is usually a problem associated with recipes provided by friends and family who either created errors in transcription, or failed to note important "fixes" that they had incorporated into an old family favorite. The problem is well illustrated by a Christmas cookie debacle, which befell me soon after my marriage. My mother-in-law always made "Cinnamon Stars" for the holidays, and they were a favorite: a meringue and ground almond cookie, both chewy and crunchy. We were provided with the family recipe, but when it came time to roll out the dough, we had a bowl of sticky, gooey sludge. It clearly wasn't thick enough, and yet, we had specifically been told that the cookie was virtually flourless. The recipe called for only 2 tablespoons of flour. Several long distance phone calls later, the truth of the matter surfaced: "Well, sometimes you have to add some more flour". Little did we know that for as long as she'd been making those cookies, she never used less then a cup! Given the level proofreading and kitchen testing that goes into cookbooks, the chances of recipe misinformation are slim. The same generally goes for magazines and newspapers. But, if you're exchanging recipes, it might be wise to inquire as to any "instinctive touches" that while not a part of the recipe may have a large part in the eventual product.
Equipment and ingredient malfunction: Technology is wonderful, but only when it works. As our kitchens have become more technologically advanced, there are many more things that can go wrong. Broken convection oven fans, frazzled self igniters, automatic timers that fail to turn on (or fail to turn off) out of whack thermostats- .the list can be as long as the number of appliances in your kitchen. Usually, with equipment failure, it is a one shot event. Once you realize that the problem exists, you can adjust accordingly. But that doesn't ease the pain of discovering shortly before dinner, that the oven igniter is a dud, and the roast is really rare. Ingredient malfunction is a bit more insidious. Everything looks fine, but with the first bite of that juicy steak, you realize that the beautiful marbling only disguised an intricate network of inedible gristle. Or as you add the milk to the cake batter, you discover it has inexplicably curdled. The fresh yeast (that you didn't bother to proof) has about as much zip as a BMW Isetta. About the only thing that can be done is to both throw out the offending ingredients and begin anew or head off to the West End for dinner. A notable ingredient failure still haunts me to this day. I rely on "The Joy of Cooking" and never have had a typo or recipe misprint. So, when I followed the recipe to a tee, step by step, and produced Mousaka that even the dog refused to eat, I could only assume that the fresh spring lamb I used was actually an aged piece of mutton. You can avoid most of the issues associated with ingredient malfunction by always checking ingredients before adding them to the recipe
.
Pilot Error: The most common kitchen calamity might best be described as "pilot error," that is, we fail to check the timer, leave the toast in too long, mis-measure or somehow fail to follow the directions. Directions are there for a reason, although some of us have a tendency to view them as merely suggestions or guidelines. In some instances, measurement is very critical, and failure to properly measure can lead to undesired results. While bread machines are a wonderful addition to the kitchen, failure to accurately measure the ingredients can leave one with a loaf of bread more suggestive of a cannon ball. In other instances, a measurement failure may merely result in a product, which either does not taste or appear as it should, but may be otherwise acceptable. Likewise, cooking times and temperatures can mean the difference between a charred loin of beef and a juicy, flavorful roast. High heat will cause some thickening agents, such as cornstarch to break down. Cakes and cookies may appear golden brown, but be raw in the center. These are avoidable outcomes. Be mindful of your cooking times and temperatures. Before embarking on recipe modification, be comfortable with the original and knowledgeable of what any planned substitution is intended to accomplish. You can't deep fry in sesame oil and even though cinnamon looks very similar to Cumin, they are not interchangeable. For the first Thanksgiving I prepared I simply didn't understand that a frozen 20-pound turkey really does take 2 days to thaw. I did learn however, that allowing it to bob in a lukewarm bathtub does speed the process considerably. Do not prepare a new recipe, or use a new technique for the first time when entertaining. It is a recipe for potential disaster. I know that Rachel Ray can do it 30 minutes (keeping in mind she does have a full staff) but it just might take you a bit longer. Try it out on the family for practice - if it's successful, they will appreciate the new dish and if it's a flop, they'll probably forgive you.
No matter how skillful or experienced a cook, everyone has experienced a gastronomic guffaw, a culinary calamity or a dinner downfall. These events can be a simple as burning the bagels, or as complex as shriveled soufflés, but they all have a number of things, besides being left hungry, in common. In my experience, there are three principle causes of these potentially embarrassing episodes.
Recipe misinformation: Sometimes, the disaster really isn't your fault. All the kitchen gear operates properly, you have carefully followed the recipe, you're familiar with the techniques and nevertheless, the end product simply is inedible because the recipe contained errors. This is usually a problem associated with recipes provided by friends and family who either created errors in transcription, or failed to note important "fixes" that they had incorporated into an old family favorite. The problem is well illustrated by a Christmas cookie debacle, which befell me soon after my marriage. My mother-in-law always made "Cinnamon Stars" for the holidays, and they were a favorite: a meringue and ground almond cookie, both chewy and crunchy. We were provided with the family recipe, but when it came time to roll out the dough, we had a bowl of sticky, gooey sludge. It clearly wasn't thick enough, and yet, we had specifically been told that the cookie was virtually flourless. The recipe called for only 2 tablespoons of flour. Several long distance phone calls later, the truth of the matter surfaced: "Well, sometimes you have to add some more flour". Little did we know that for as long as she'd been making those cookies, she never used less then a cup! Given the level proofreading and kitchen testing that goes into cookbooks, the chances of recipe misinformation are slim. The same generally goes for magazines and newspapers. But, if you're exchanging recipes, it might be wise to inquire as to any "instinctive touches" that while not a part of the recipe may have a large part in the eventual product.
Equipment and ingredient malfunction: Technology is wonderful, but only when it works. As our kitchens have become more technologically advanced, there are many more things that can go wrong. Broken convection oven fans, frazzled self igniters, automatic timers that fail to turn on (or fail to turn off) out of whack thermostats- .the list can be as long as the number of appliances in your kitchen. Usually, with equipment failure, it is a one shot event. Once you realize that the problem exists, you can adjust accordingly. But that doesn't ease the pain of discovering shortly before dinner, that the oven igniter is a dud, and the roast is really rare. Ingredient malfunction is a bit more insidious. Everything looks fine, but with the first bite of that juicy steak, you realize that the beautiful marbling only disguised an intricate network of inedible gristle. Or as you add the milk to the cake batter, you discover it has inexplicably curdled. The fresh yeast (that you didn't bother to proof) has about as much zip as a BMW Isetta. About the only thing that can be done is to both throw out the offending ingredients and begin anew or head off to the West End for dinner. A notable ingredient failure still haunts me to this day. I rely on "The Joy of Cooking" and never have had a typo or recipe misprint. So, when I followed the recipe to a tee, step by step, and produced Mousaka that even the dog refused to eat, I could only assume that the fresh spring lamb I used was actually an aged piece of mutton. You can avoid most of the issues associated with ingredient malfunction by always checking ingredients before adding them to the recipe
.
Pilot Error: The most common kitchen calamity might best be described as "pilot error," that is, we fail to check the timer, leave the toast in too long, mis-measure or somehow fail to follow the directions. Directions are there for a reason, although some of us have a tendency to view them as merely suggestions or guidelines. In some instances, measurement is very critical, and failure to properly measure can lead to undesired results. While bread machines are a wonderful addition to the kitchen, failure to accurately measure the ingredients can leave one with a loaf of bread more suggestive of a cannon ball. In other instances, a measurement failure may merely result in a product, which either does not taste or appear as it should, but may be otherwise acceptable. Likewise, cooking times and temperatures can mean the difference between a charred loin of beef and a juicy, flavorful roast. High heat will cause some thickening agents, such as cornstarch to break down. Cakes and cookies may appear golden brown, but be raw in the center. These are avoidable outcomes. Be mindful of your cooking times and temperatures. Before embarking on recipe modification, be comfortable with the original and knowledgeable of what any planned substitution is intended to accomplish. You can't deep fry in sesame oil and even though cinnamon looks very similar to Cumin, they are not interchangeable. For the first Thanksgiving I prepared I simply didn't understand that a frozen 20-pound turkey really does take 2 days to thaw. I did learn however, that allowing it to bob in a lukewarm bathtub does speed the process considerably. Do not prepare a new recipe, or use a new technique for the first time when entertaining. It is a recipe for potential disaster. I know that Rachel Ray can do it 30 minutes (keeping in mind she does have a full staff) but it just might take you a bit longer. Try it out on the family for practice - if it's successful, they will appreciate the new dish and if it's a flop, they'll probably forgive you.
Volume 1, Issue 7, Posted 08.03 PM / 18th September 2005.